The Road to Ill-Fortune

(Ah, this one's turned out to be quite a crappy piece of fiction. But after having spent nearly four of my working hours on it, I did not have the heart to flush it down the loo. SIGH! There go my dreams of becoming the next Stephen King...)


He walked down the country road, a basket in his right hand. The sun was in a little too bright a mood, and the heat was making him dizzy.
“Stick to the main road, Juan,” his mom had told him, “Don’t venture into any of the paths that lead into the forest. It’s dangerous... and there are wolves around!”
“Yeah, Yeah,” he had said, before running out of the house with all the enthusiasm of a six-year-old. Now, two hours later, he was tired - and he had almost nothing to show for it.
There were hardly any berries on the roadside trees, and even if he found any, they would be around just because the berry-pickers before him had found them worthless.
Just four in his basket now. After toiling for two hours. What a waste of time, thought Juan. But still he walked ahead — because supper depended on him.
Two more hours went by, and he still handn’t reached the ten-berry mark. “Can’t take anymore of this,” he thought, letting himself collapse under a tree.
He kept staring at the road. It stretched on and on like an infinitely-long serpent, to the very point that the horizon seemed to eat it up. And all the trees by its side were bare, preyed upon by the sun and the ones who had come before him.
“Might as well give up and fall asleep under this tree, forever,” thought Juan dejectedly. Just a moment before he saw the small path that led into the forest.
Should I? Should I not?
In that fateful moment, Juan made the biggest decision of his life: “Mom said don’t ... but bugger mom and bugger her idiot instructions. I’ll just pop in for a minute.”

The trail

The entire landscape seemed to change the very moment he entered the forest. There were more berries, and they weren’t spoilt like the ones on the main road.
Of course, the berry trees here had more thorns - which jabbed into his hands and made them bleed - but who cares about a few scratches when the pickings are so good? “And bugger the sharp rocks under my feet too,” reasoned little Juan, ”If the extra berries in my basket come at the cost of a few sores on my feet, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make..”
And he continued to traverse the forbidden path, which had now started going uphill.
A few miles into the forest, Juan noticed that the berries were now found to be aplenty. And even as the boy’s basket grew heavy with fruit, the rocks under his feet grew sharper and sharper. Time to turn back, Juan’s inner voice told him, but no - he just had to have a little bit more.
So he walked and walked, even as the trees around him seemed to grow denser with each step he took. The sun, which had been bearing down on him for so long, was getting dimmer now. And in the distance, he could hear wolves howling. But still he walked, the basket in his hand starting to glisten with redness.
The path had become a mountain trail now, and one wrong step would mean a quick but gory death. But the berries were all that mattered now. Anyway, with the moon so high up in the sky, it was too late to go home.
Much too late...
Then, from the shadows, he saw two creatures emerging. They could have passed off for wolves, if not for the shreds of cloth that still hung on to their hides. Grotesque creatures, not much taller than him, but with fangs and claws that promised to tear him into half.
“Who are you?” he asked.
No response greeted him. The werewolves just stood and stared, their figures forming awful silhouettes against the midnight moon.
“Who are you?” Juan asked again, breaking into a cold sweat. After what seemed like hours, one of them growled: “We are the ones who came here before you. The berries in this forest belong to us ... empty your basket under the ledge and you can go back with your life.”
Juan looked under the ledge and... lo, he couldn’t believe his eyes! Hundreds, thousands, millions of the red fruit lying under the shadows ... all gathered by the two villains before him.
“No,” cried the boy,” I won’t do that! If you want my berries, you will have to fight for them!”
“Gladly,” said the two in unison, even as the greyness around them assumed a shadier tinge, “Now that you have asked for it.”
With that, the creatures leaped on Juan — their teeth gnashing with hatred. And even as he felt them pile up on him, the boy realised that death could be the only way out of this mess.
They were stronger and wilder, but Juan was desperate. He wriggled and squirmed in the realisation that it was his life — not wild berries — that mattered... and with each bite, each scratch he took - Juan felt himself becoming more and more like his werewolf assailants.
If he got out of this alive, he knew, he would be stronger than ever before. But the catchword, unfortunately, was “alive”.
It was time he showed some initiative. Suddenly, Juan pulled himself together and kicked the first wolf on the shin. And even as the monster grimaced, Juan shoved him hard, sending him plummeting to his death... hundreds of feet below.
This seemed to surprise the other, and even as he stood distracted by its friend’s plight for a split second, Juan rammed a stone into his skull. And the battle was done.
After a few long minutes, the victor slowly tottered up. Wolf skin was already beginning to cover his body now, and it would be just be a matter of days before he grew some real fangs.
But the best part was... the berries. So many berries, he thought with some pride, I may need a truck to take them home.
But then came the afterthought: Who wants to go home now?
I am the best there is... the most powerful! Juan let himself know, before throwing his head back and letting loose a loud full-throated howl. Which was just about the last thing the half-werewolf remembered doing before he felt the earth crumble around him, and fell off the mountain to a certain death.
Juan woke up an hour later, and he knew instantly that he wasn’t going to survive the night. “Aww,” he thought as tears welled up in his eyes, “Just one diversion from the road, and here I am. O, if only I hadn’t taken the forbidden path...”
If only I hadn’t taken the forbidden path...

The Real World

“If only I hadn’t pinched that stupid watch...” mumbled Don Juan suddenly. This was the first sound the Don had made ever since he was brought to the hospital with a bullet-ridden stomach a couple of nights ago.
Martinez jumped up and ran to his side, but the old warlord had already breathed his last.
“Hey Dog! Come here fast! Call the medics! I think the boss is dead!” he shouted. Dog brought the doctors along, and they did everything short of thumping the Don’s spirit back into his body — but no — he was as dead as doornail.
Dog turned to Martinez: “Did the boss say anything? About who the empire is going to? Anything?”
Martinez looked confused: “No.. nothing. Something about a watch...” Then, as an afterthought, he added: “That’s weird. They told me the last statement of the dying always makes sense. Why would he go to sleep talking about a bloody watch?!”
Dog just snorted. “Aww... maybe he was just talking in — what do they call it — extended metaphors. Anyway, come off it... we have to go inform the others.”

And even as the sound of their footsteps receded into the distance, a radio turned itself on in the next room: "Chicago underworld kingpin Don Juan was fatally wounded in an encounter with gunmen led by his protege, known only as Senor Oliviera, on Sunday afternoon. The incident had taken the ageing Don, who had just acquired total control over the city after allegedly eliminating two of his most dangerous rivals, by surprise. According to sources, the wounded Don is still in a very critical condition..."

FIN

Dog Days

It was in the last couple of months that the dogs in my city achieved infamy.
Apparently, a large number of the streeties had decided to gang up and attack a four-year-old human (the name was Manjunath, I think) in broad daylight.
The child was mauled to death and consequently, the city embarked on one of its biggest kill-the-mutt campaigns — exterminating hundreds of dogs, many of which were presumably innocent of anti-human crimes. Experts, who excelled in baiting the canines with fish hooks and strings, were brought from neighbouring Kerala to end the ‘menace’.
Dogs ruled newspaper headlines for the next few days.
Dominating the other columns in the papers were animal rights activists, who claimed that the administration’s reaction was a little too extreme. There were rallies, with activists taking innocent-looking strays into the streets — large signs proclaiming ‘PLEASE DON’T KILL US’ and ‘NOT ME, SIR! I DIDN’T KILL THE BABY’ hanging on their necks.
I am a dog-lover, so I supported the animal rights campaign. My line of thinking went: So, if a gang of men kill a baby - do we exterminate the human race in general? Hell, I even wanted to go and join those people a couple of times.
That was about a month ago, before that fateful night happened.

The Incident

Like I may have told you earlier, my job as a journalist requires me to keep very late hours. And I generally ride home between 2 and 3 am, when desolation and plastic ghosts rule the streets.
Now, I have faced dogs earlier, like the time when I was working with The New Indian Express ... but I would bet my life it wasn’t as bad as this.
When I, mounted on my trusty GLX, turned into that particular Indira Nagar street, a scary sight greeted me. The streetlights were shot, and in the darkness I could see thousands of eyes lining the roadside. Staring at me. Unblinking.
I turned my bike lights on, and saw them. Dogs of all kinds — brown, light tan, dappled, black hairy, hairless — slowly climbing onto the road to block my path. And they were there to the very end of the horizon, which touched the HAL II Stage road.
The mutts were starting to bare their fangs now... their tails wagging slowly, from side to side.
I did the only thing I could in the circumstances— lifted my feet as high as I could, revved up the engine and tried to reach 80 kmph in 2.5 seconds. About the same time as the dogs pounced upon me, gnashing their teeth.
I was scared. Scared shitless, for my life and body. The bike zoomed ahead like a rocketship-gone-insane but still, the hounds from hell were everywhere. And apart from the dogs, there were puddles on the road too — one wrong swerve and I could go down in a blaze of glory.
In those fifty terrible seconds, Manjunath was not just some name in a newspaper. Manjunath was me. Running scared for his life.
At seventy-five kilometres per hour, I heard a bump. I had hit one of my attackers on its rump, and in the dwindling distance I could see it painfully pulling itself across the street. Strangely, I felt no pity, none of my usual holier-than-thou sympathy ... no, this time I was happy with what had happened.
The bastards drew first blood. That mutt got what he deserved.
The dogs were still around. My speedometer needle was fast approaching 85, when — suddenly — another bike came up right in front of me.
Even in the glare of his headlight, I could see his frightened face. The situation seemed to be scaring him too. Don’t have a problem with that but, hey, I am fighting for my life here — GET OUTTA MY WAY !!
Even as I heard hungry jaws snapping around me, I had this terrible vision — of my bike crashing into the other, both of us flying in the air before hitting the ground with a thud ... and then, the idiot dogs chewing on our remains.
Instinctively, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes tight.
But nothing hit me, save for the wind. I looked around.... now there were no dogs on the scene, just a lonesome truck approaching from the distance. I had reached HAL road. Safe.
I could hear the canines in the distance, trying to get at the other guy ... who didn't seem to be enjoying himself either.
I don’t know if the doggie dearies realised it, but they had just lost a friend.

Post Script

They did it again last night, and the night before. Though I still don’t want them to be killed or castrated, ending up as dog food doesn't seem to be a very attractive option either.
Another day, another dilemma. As usual.

Growing Pains

“I find my life is a lot easier, the lower I keep everyone's expectations.”
- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

Childhood ambitions, according to me, are grossly overrated. I mean, who, other than our Abdul “the goof-up” Kalam, can think of anything beyond the neighbourhood candy-store at the tender age of six?
Sadly, my parents subscribed to a different opinion from mine. And so did the thousands of irritating ‘uncles’ and ‘aunties’ who came visiting when I was a kid, making monkey-faces and pinching my cheeks while slobbering: “Yumminiyooopiyoom konchipooo... you loooook ccchooooo chhweeet. Whaaat do you wannt to be when you groooow up, waawaa?”
And I, irritated at being subjected to such humiliation, would mutter something akin to “Hoobliglumchun... yurrraaa.. hey! Leggo!”
Not that I wasn't old enough to make coherent noises back then; it was just that nobody could possibly be expected to make himself understood while having his cheeks punctured in such a heinous fashion. Not I, at least.
Anyways, this had to stop ... so, one fine day, I decided to become a doctor.
But if you thought it made things better, well... think again. It made my dad come up with a new excuse to make me study: “You have to study hard to become a doctor! Throw that comic away and get back to your science books!”
No, becoming a doctor was not my cuppa tea. Who wants to cut people open and mess around with their medulla oblongatas anyway?!
I was a big fan of Major James Bigglesworth back then, and so I decided to become him.
When I suggested this to my dad, he was quite impressed. “But, you know, pilots need to know mathematics... and so, I need to see an improved grade when I next get your report card.”
I got the weird feeling that this wasn’t going to work either. A monkey was better at junior trignometry than me. So I decided to bring my dreams down to earth and become a bus driver.
Only it didn’t impress the 'aunties' much. And even as they let go of my cheeks (which had become a curious strawberry-red by then) with a sullen sigh, my parents tried to change the subject by offering them more tea.
That night, daddy-o towered over me and said, “You better try to become something reasonable. Or you might find yourself in a bus sooner than you think.”
This was seriously scary. I had to come up with a new job to have in the future (how stupidly ridiculous!!) or leave the house with my dog and a knapsack. I had to come up with something... fast!
“I KNOW! I’ll become a journalist! Like Tintin! Yeah, really! I mean it!”
Miraculously, my dad seemed to like the idea. And he left me to myself for the next few days.

Growing Up With Dad

I never was any good in school. Homework was usually copied from a friend’s notebook five minutes before the morning prayer, and — most of the time — the idiot would have gotten all the answers wrong.
Exams? Don’t even ask... answer sheets painted in red would invariably find their way deep into the earth’s bowels just hours after they were distributed in class.
And the fact that my dad was the school principal did not help. No sir.
Let’s see, the only time my parents seemed marginally happy with me in school was when I once bit a teacher on the hand.
This was how it happened. The lady, one Mrs Ahluwalia, had found out I had once again forgot to put in my homework. So there, she stretched her hand, caught me by the ear (hard) and started screaming into it: “IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS,YOU WILL FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!”
Now, my ear was hurting something real bad. So, I did the only thing I could do in the circumstances — I grabbed her other hand, which was holding my face, and bit hard. By the time I was through, her hand seemed like it had been through a heavy-duty mangler.
She went hysterical. And seeing the way she was bawling, so did I. And the class watched spell-bound as Mrs Ahluwalia and I indulged in a grotesque wailing contest that could have put the Sirens to shame.
The commotion brought the other teachers, including my dad, by the horde. And Mrs Ahluwalia pointed a finger at me and screamed: “HE.... HE BIT ME WHEN I SAID HE WOULD FAIL!”
Of course, she had to skip the part about pinching me on the ear. How can one dare admit physical assault on the principal’s son!?
Though I was treated the choices swipes of the grand ol’ cane that day, I am sure that my dad was secretly pleased that I had gone so far as to bite somebody at the very mention of ‘failure’.
I did not have the heart to tell him otherwise. Or show him my strawberry ear.

The Twelfth Night

By the time I reached my pre-degree, I had proved beyond doubt that I was destined to go into the mountains and live like a caveman.
“Let him do whatever he wants,” I could hear my parents telling each other on occasions, their voices shrouded in disappointment, “We have done all we can.”
Now, it’s not as if I didn’t sympathise .... but hey, some people just aren’t meant to become Microsoft founders — I can’t help that!
But I did not know how much I had lowered their expectations for me until the results of my HSSC examinations came out in 1998, my marks averaging just 2 per cent more than what was needed to pass.
All the way from the college, I wondered how I would tell this terrible news to my dad. And finally, when I found myself face to face with him, he roared: DID YOU GET THROUGH?
“I got 52 per cent,” I mumbled inaudibly.
“DID YOU PASS?!” he roared again.
This time I spoke a little louder, “I passed... I got 52 per cent...”
I didn’t get slapped, there was no blood-letting either. Instead, my loving father roared with happiness and said: “He passed! He managed to pass! See, I told you he would pass! This calls for a party!”
Somehow, this joyful reaction from him depressed me even further. And feeling like a total scum, I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep.

But, All’s Well That...

Now, nearly eight years later, I find myself on the newsdesk of a reputed newspaper, working as a journalist.
I ain’t no Tintin, and I ain’t got no dog that helps me capture Al Capone, but hey! I love my job... and my life’s shaping out quite well.

Thank you, O Fate!

The Seen, The Unseen and the Don't-Wanna-See's

Ok, haven't been blogging much lately. Whatever's left of my life is undergoing some kinda radical change, and I've got a writer's block to boot.
But, can't let jimmythekid.blogspot.com die - right? So, here's something similar to what 3inOne had put on her blog... only, this one's for movies, not books.
I have pinched these from IMDB's top ten list of movies. The rules are mostly similar to the original thing.

1. Type "SAW" for movies you have seen.
2. Type "SAW... AND WOW!" for movies you have seen and liked very much.
3. Type "HAVEN'T" for movies you... well... haven't seen.
4. Type "YUKK!" for movies you saw but didn't like.
5. Type "WANNA" for movies you want to see.

So there!

The Godfather SAW AND WOW!
The Shawshank Redemption SAW AND WOW!
The Godfather: Part II SAW
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly SAW
Pulp Fiction SAW AND WOW
Casablanca SAW AND WOW
Schindler's List SAW
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King SAW
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back HAVEN'T
Shichinin no samurai WHAT?
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest SAW AND WOW
Star Wars HAVEN'T
Rear Window YUKK!
12 Angry Men SAW AND WOW!
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring SAW
Raiders of the Lost Ark SAW
The Usual Suspects SAW
Goodfellas WANNA
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb WANNA
Once Upon a Time in the West WANNA
Psycho SAW AND WOW!
Citizen Kane SAW
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers SAW
North by Northwest WANNA
Memento SAW AND WOW
The Silence of the Lambs SAW
Lawrence of Arabia SAW
Sunset Blvd. SAW
It's a Wonderful Life WHAT?
Fight Club SAW
Amélie WANNA
The Matrix SAW
American Beauty SAW AND WOW!
Vertigo SAW
Taxi Driver YUKK!
Apocalypse Now WANNA
Se7en SAW
Léon WANNA
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind YUKK!
Paths of Glory SAW AND WOW!
American History X SAW
To Kill a Mockingbird SAW
Chinatown WANNA
The Third Man WHAT?
Laberinto del fauno, El WHAT?
Untergang, Der WANNA
The Pianist SAW

Note: "YUKK" doesn't necessarily mean those movies were the worst I have ever seen. It just means they did not live up to my expectations.
Aside from that Eternal Sunshine crap, of course...

Journalist Immy and the horror of child-labour

Experience, they say, is the best teacher. And I agree, for the most part. But is it fair when you thrust your hand into the fire and somebody else gets to feel the pain?

It’s not. But then, life rarely is...

This story goes back to the time when I was still a journalism student in a small town called Kottayam. My school, the Manorama School of Communication (MASCOM), was the offshoot of one of the bigger newspapers in Kerala.

Well, I was still a rookie back then - with an attitude that was brash and a perspective that was all black ‘n’ white. And in my new-found avtar as a scribe, changing the world topped my list of priorities.

Every week, we were supposed to submit three story ideas to Mr Thomas Oommen, the dictator and supreme commander of MASCOM (I don’t say this in contempt. Mr Oommen is one of the most fascinating persons I have ever seen — and I intend to blog about him soon). If you didn’t have them, it was advisable that you go to him with padding down the ass of your pants.

On that particular day, I was walking down Kottayam, searching for anything to write about, when I saw a young kid with Oriental features walk down the road. This was not something you see everyday in a place as down-south as Kerala, so I ran after him to enquire.

He was just fourteen years old, and he had come down all the way from Assam to work in a neighbourhood rubber tanning plant.

Child labour, AHA!

He was real helpful. And happy that maybe, just maybe, he may feature in a newspaper article.

Over a glass of orange juice, I asked him if I could come over to his factory to check things out, and interview his friends as well. The boy (his name was Som, I think) agreed eagerly, and we fixed an appointment at his place the next day.

The next day

The factory was the dirtiest I had ever seen. Thick sludge, liberally contaminated with grease and chemicals, covered the floor as big rats scurried all over its walls.

And in the middle of the muck worked young Assamese kids — their faces covered with grime and dirt. But the way they were showing me the place, you would have thought it was some Japanese palace.

It was then that the supervisor, a five-foot Malayalee, saw me. “Who are you??” he almost screamed. And when I told him that I was from Manorama, he almost burst his top.“You are a journalist?! Not allowed in this factory,” he started yelling. The noise brought the factory manager around, and thankfully, he did not think that throwing me out would be the right thing to do at this juncture.

“Hi,” I said, “I am a journalism student from MASCOM... And I would like to ask you a few questions about this factory.”

The manager, a plump person with a plastic smile, said: “Sure... I know the place looks a little messy, but we were planning to clean it within a week. And get some new machines.”

I got straight to the point: “Aren’t the children working in this factory under-aged? Som is only fourteen.”

I saw the smile transform into an expression of disdain. He called the kid and asked him his age. A little over nineteen, Som said, a worried expression on his face. He was in for it now. For trusting someone from a newspaper. For acting stupid.

I had a bad feeling about this, so I left.

Black, White and Grey

It was on the third day, while I was sitting and typing out my story, that I received the phone call. It was Som.

“They are going to fire me and everyone else under 18 years,” he said, his voice threatening to break with emotion, “I don’t know what to do now. I have two sisters and my dad can’t work... who will support my family now?”

Never in my life had I felt so guilty. I had cost a family its only bread-winner, all for a stupid story and some misplaced views.

“Could you get me a job,” he asked, “In your newspaper office as chowkidar, maybe?”

I couldn’t, to say the least. I was not even an employee and, in any case, a newspaper cannot afford to take a minor on its rolls. Bad publicity.

That evening, I went over to a senior reporter I knew in Manorama and asked him if he could try and dissuade the factory owner from firing them. He said he would try.

Life went on.

A month later...

A few months later, I was reminded of Som while I was attending a guest lecture at MASCOM. The speaker, a venerable old socialist, was speaking on child labour.

“We just can’t go out and get children removed from their jobs,” he was saying, “Please don’t assume that children like scrubbing dirty utensils when they should be out playing... they do so because of certain compulsions. What would you rather see — a child working out there, or starving out there?”

I could understand what he was saying. Abolishing child labour through force would be like throwing beggars into jail to end beggary.

After the lecture, I called the reporter and asked about Som. Apparently, he had spoken to the factory manager, who just kept giggling and saying: “Okay, Okay..”

I did not have any number to contact Som on and he certainly did not deserve another painful visit from the dumb-ass journalist from Manorama.

So, that was that. The blacks and whites had made way for the greys, and (probably) I had matured at the cost of somebody else's life.

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble

Earthquakes are real bad things, take my word for it. Especially if they mean business.
My childhood perception of earthquakes was a little different from the real truth, though. More than the shaking and crumbling, I imagined the ground splitting into two and gobbling up everything in sight. At least, that's what my early geography books made me believe.
My books also taught me that in Japan, where earthquakes are as frequent as evening showers, people built their houses from paper. This, I felt, may create hilarious domestic conversations... like this one:

Dad: Kwung-Choo... my son, get me a peice of paper, please. I gotta jot down this phone number.

Kwung-Chuu: In a minute, dad ... (and, a minute and several ripping sounds later) Here, will this door do?

Dad (very angry): Son! This is the third door you have wrecked this month! The next one's going to come from your NOTEBOOK!

No, but seriously ... though I must admit that paper walls crashing on you during an earthquake may not hurt half as much as concrete ones, what do they do if the place catches fire? As far as I can imagine, Kwung-Chuu's proud castle will be lighting up the place like a Japanese lamp.
Or, what would he do if the Big Bad Wolf decides to come and huff 'n' puff outside his door?
Now, I know that I have been making these conclusions without doing adequate research. For all I know, Mr Chuu must have treated his walls with some kind of anti-fire solution .... and maybe he kept a cannon behind his paper door to drive away the wolves.
Well, in any case, this post ain't about Kwung-Chuu or his paper mansion. It's about earthquakes. About the two quakes I had the good fortune to experience in the last 28 years of my life.
Why do I say good fortune? There are reasons...

Strike 1

The first one struck when I was residing in Gadchandur, about thirty kilometres from the railway track I had blogged about two posts ago. As fate would have it, I was in the bathroom - taking a shower even as I bathroom-sang a certain Mithun Chakraborty number.
At first, I didn't notice it - it was more like a slight vibration creeping up the walls, the sort you experience when you're on a bridge and a tanker's passing by. But then, the vibration started getting louder - until I could literally see the walls around me shake in their shoes.
Even as I heard my folks yell in alarm from the outside, I stood on the crossroads of an awful dilemma. The question was: Do I run outside stark naked and save my life, or do I stay in here and save my modesty.
And as I stood there, debating the issue to myself, the walls stopped shuddering and the floor under my feet seemed to go back to sleep. And that's how I managed to retain both my life and my modesty.
Indecision may have cost Hamlet a lot, but for me it seemed to have brought nothing but good luck.

Strike 2

My second encounter with the quake-guy happened when I was doing my second year (English Literature) in MCC.
It was eight-thirty in the evening and I was sitting in my room, reading a book. Suddenly the walls, the earth and everything around me started shaking ... and I jumped up with a full-fledged war-cry on my lips.
Everyone around me was running for the stairs. And even as I tried to join the great majority and reach for safety, I slipped on a pool of water on the floor and landed on the floor with a resounding SPLAT.
When I looked up, the quake had stopped and everyone was standing around me, giggling.

But the real action was happening at that moment in our hostel chapel, where a certain firebrand pastor was delivering his evening sermon.
Now, the Bible has a line that goes something like this: "Though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea, I shall stand my ground - because the Lord our God is with me. (Psa 46:1-3)"
According to reliable sources, the pastor was explaining the meaning of these very words when the earthquake started. And even as the small congregation of students watched the walls around them tremble, our man picked the Holy Book and sprinted out of the building.
Maybe the Lord was trying to make a point there.
Ol' Mac was so busy conversing with somebody in a phonebooth at the MCC maingate, that he never even noticed the quake come and go by. I can't remember if Shain was around, then.

P.S: I must admit that the god of earthquakes has been quite merciful to me until now. But the next time he attacks, I hope he doesn't catch me with my pants down...

(Dinosaur sketch: Courtesy www.cartoonstock.com)

What's the name, again?

High up, on a prominent branch of my family tree, used to live a balding uncle called Baby.
Neither was he two years old, nor did he possess any cozy, cuddly features of your average toddler ... in fact, he was more of an aged booze-gulching army veteran than anything else.
Now, the next question would most-probably be - why did everybody call him that? It's a short but sad story.
According to informed sources, the uncle was a hot favourite in family circles during his infancy. Whenever he wore his cute pink diapers and came tottering around - bawling for his usual share of milk, the elders would pinch his cheeks and call him "babeeeeee" and "bayboooo" in ridiculous tones.
And, as luck would have it, the name stuck. Years after my uncle had given up his milk bottle for a McDowells one and the pink diapers had given way to military fatigues, everybody still called him Baby. And for us nephews, it was Baby uncle.
Hell, I can't even recall his Christian name.
My homeland, Kerala, churns out thousands of such horror stories every moment of the day. Everyday, as babies are born all over that small piece of Malluland, they are mercilessly stamped with names like Laiju, Tijo, Baiju, Gaiju, Shoju...
I don't know if you can even begin to realise the gravity of the situation. Methinks there should be a law against this.

The animal connection

Okay, I'll quote another example to prove my point - right from the innards of my home in Mallappally.
We got this black daschund from an uncle. And my dad named him "Kitty".
Now, though I admit that a daschund looks more reptilian than canine, I think that naming it after a cat would amount to insulting doghood as a whole.
So, after repriminding my indignant dad, I tried to make a last ditch effort to rechristian him "Blackie". But it was a lost cause; the four-legged idiot just wouldn't let go of his feline tag.

The Fauxest of pas'

Similarly, I was introduced to a new aunt last year at a family gathering, when I went to visit my relatives in Chennai.
"Hi Jimmy... Meet her - she's Sissy."
I blushed. Then shook my head docilely and muttered: "Naah, you don't mean it... She's not - I'm sure."
The others around me stared at me with great bug eyes. "What do you mean, she's not?"
They were offended with me for some reason. So, I did what I had to and conceded meekly: " Sure, if you insist... anything you say."
The truth dawned upon me nearly an hour later, when I was standing at the juice stall and downing a cool glass of lemonade. Her name was Sissy - not she. And, ohmigosh... how silly of me! Women can't be sissies!
But the damage was already done. For all I know, the aunt must have gone and checked her name out in dictionary.com. Never heard from her again; I took great pains to ensure that.

Birds too?

Recently, I had the opportunity to work alongside a lady who happened to share her name with a certain kind of songbird.
Now, that was quite an experience, considering that I could actually walk up to her whenever I wanted, and without any fear of bodily harm, inform her: "Hey, you are Cuckoo!"

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Note: The author is permitted to speak on this sensitive subject, particularly because he knows the hardships of having to go through life with a doggie name..