Sunday, May 27, 2007

Waiting for Ms Reaper


It is not the first sprint, but the last lap that counts.

Far away, in the distance, she waits for me,
Even as I inch my way through, as slow as can be,
A lot of love's in her cold embrace, I know,
And in her skeletal arms I can rest, forever more.

Oh, how I long for the end - to melt into sweet nothingness,
It's what I was born for, since life's first caress,
But the road there, I'm afraid, is what I fear,
The pain, the misery that separates my love from me.

Okay, enough of this... I tire already,
How long do I bang on this cage, wanting to be free?
But then, I could be wrong, sooner may be the end,
Maybe she's right here, at the very next bend.

My mistress eternal, Death.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Mr President... NO!!


Our Honourable President A P J Abdul Kalam visited the European Union Parliament at Athens recently, where he recited a certain poem for the benefit of all the hapless attendees. For those who have missed out on it, here's an excerpt:

Beautiful environment leads
To beautiful minds
Beautiful minds generate
Freshness and creativity
Created explorers of land and sea
Created minds that innovate
Created great scientific minds
Created everywhere, why
Gave birth to many discoveries
Discovered a continent and unknown lands
Ventured into unexplored paths
Created new highways
In the minds of the best
Worst was also born
Generated seeds of battle and hatred
Hundreds of years of wars and blood
Millions of my wonderful children
Lost in the land an sea
Tears flooded many nations
Many engulfed in ocean of sadness...


A pity, huh?
This isn't funny in the slightest. Wondering if a signature campaign would prevent our long-haired friend from committing similar atrocities in the future.


P.S.: Looking at the brighter side, now I know that my poetry ain't the worst!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Road to Ill-Fortune

(Ah, this one's turned out to be quite a crappy piece of fiction. But after having spent nearly four of my working hours on it, I did not have the heart to flush it down the loo. SIGH! There go my dreams of becoming the next Stephen King...)


He walked down the country road, a basket in his right hand. The sun was in a little too bright a mood, and the heat was making him dizzy.
“Stick to the main road, Juan,” his mom had told him, “Don’t venture into any of the paths that lead into the forest. It’s dangerous... and there are wolves around!”
“Yeah, Yeah,” he had said, before running out of the house with all the enthusiasm of a six-year-old. Now, two hours later, he was tired - and he had almost nothing to show for it.
There were hardly any berries on the roadside trees, and even if he found any, they would be around just because the berry-pickers before him had found them worthless.
Just four in his basket now. After toiling for two hours. What a waste of time, thought Juan. But still he walked ahead — because supper depended on him.
Two more hours went by, and he still handn’t reached the ten-berry mark. “Can’t take anymore of this,” he thought, letting himself collapse under a tree.
He kept staring at the road. It stretched on and on like an infinitely-long serpent, to the very point that the horizon seemed to eat it up. And all the trees by its side were bare, preyed upon by the sun and the ones who had come before him.
“Might as well give up and fall asleep under this tree, forever,” thought Juan dejectedly. Just a moment before he saw the small path that led into the forest.
Should I? Should I not?
In that fateful moment, Juan made the biggest decision of his life: “Mom said don’t ... but bugger mom and bugger her idiot instructions. I’ll just pop in for a minute.”

The trail

The entire landscape seemed to change the very moment he entered the forest. There were more berries, and they weren’t spoilt like the ones on the main road.
Of course, the berry trees here had more thorns - which jabbed into his hands and made them bleed - but who cares about a few scratches when the pickings are so good? “And bugger the sharp rocks under my feet too,” reasoned little Juan, ”If the extra berries in my basket come at the cost of a few sores on my feet, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make..”
And he continued to traverse the forbidden path, which had now started going uphill.
A few miles into the forest, Juan noticed that the berries were now found to be aplenty. And even as the boy’s basket grew heavy with fruit, the rocks under his feet grew sharper and sharper. Time to turn back, Juan’s inner voice told him, but no - he just had to have a little bit more.
So he walked and walked, even as the trees around him seemed to grow denser with each step he took. The sun, which had been bearing down on him for so long, was getting dimmer now. And in the distance, he could hear wolves howling. But still he walked, the basket in his hand starting to glisten with redness.
The path had become a mountain trail now, and one wrong step would mean a quick but gory death. But the berries were all that mattered now. Anyway, with the moon so high up in the sky, it was too late to go home.
Much too late...
Then, from the shadows, he saw two creatures emerging. They could have passed off for wolves, if not for the shreds of cloth that still hung on to their hides. Grotesque creatures, not much taller than him, but with fangs and claws that promised to tear him into half.
“Who are you?” he asked.
No response greeted him. The werewolves just stood and stared, their figures forming awful silhouettes against the midnight moon.
“Who are you?” Juan asked again, breaking into a cold sweat. After what seemed like hours, one of them growled: “We are the ones who came here before you. The berries in this forest belong to us ... empty your basket under the ledge and you can go back with your life.”
Juan looked under the ledge and... lo, he couldn’t believe his eyes! Hundreds, thousands, millions of the red fruit lying under the shadows ... all gathered by the two villains before him.
“No,” cried the boy,” I won’t do that! If you want my berries, you will have to fight for them!”
“Gladly,” said the two in unison, even as the greyness around them assumed a shadier tinge, “Now that you have asked for it.”
With that, the creatures leaped on Juan — their teeth gnashing with hatred. And even as he felt them pile up on him, the boy realised that death could be the only way out of this mess.
They were stronger and wilder, but Juan was desperate. He wriggled and squirmed in the realisation that it was his life — not wild berries — that mattered... and with each bite, each scratch he took - Juan felt himself becoming more and more like his werewolf assailants.
If he got out of this alive, he knew, he would be stronger than ever before. But the catchword, unfortunately, was “alive”.
It was time he showed some initiative. Suddenly, Juan pulled himself together and kicked the first wolf on the shin. And even as the monster grimaced, Juan shoved him hard, sending him plummeting to his death... hundreds of feet below.
This seemed to surprise the other, and even as he stood distracted by its friend’s plight for a split second, Juan rammed a stone into his skull. And the battle was done.
After a few long minutes, the victor slowly tottered up. Wolf skin was already beginning to cover his body now, and it would be just be a matter of days before he grew some real fangs.
But the best part was... the berries. So many berries, he thought with some pride, I may need a truck to take them home.
But then came the afterthought: Who wants to go home now?
I am the best there is... the most powerful! Juan let himself know, before throwing his head back and letting loose a loud full-throated howl. Which was just about the last thing the half-werewolf remembered doing before he felt the earth crumble around him, and fell off the mountain to a certain death.
Juan woke up an hour later, and he knew instantly that he wasn’t going to survive the night. “Aww,” he thought as tears welled up in his eyes, “Just one diversion from the road, and here I am. O, if only I hadn’t taken the forbidden path...”
If only I hadn’t taken the forbidden path...

The Real World

“If only I hadn’t pinched that stupid watch...” mumbled Don Juan suddenly. This was the first sound the Don had made ever since he was brought to the hospital with a bullet-ridden stomach a couple of nights ago.
Martinez jumped up and ran to his side, but the old warlord had already breathed his last.
“Hey Dog! Come here fast! Call the medics! I think the boss is dead!” he shouted. Dog brought the doctors along, and they did everything short of thumping the Don’s spirit back into his body — but no — he was as dead as doornail.
Dog turned to Martinez: “Did the boss say anything? About who the empire is going to? Anything?”
Martinez looked confused: “No.. nothing. Something about a watch...” Then, as an afterthought, he added: “That’s weird. They told me the last statement of the dying always makes sense. Why would he go to sleep talking about a bloody watch?!”
Dog just snorted. “Aww... maybe he was just talking in — what do they call it — extended metaphors. Anyway, come off it... we have to go inform the others.”

And even as the sound of their footsteps receded into the distance, a radio turned itself on in the next room: "Chicago underworld kingpin Don Juan was fatally wounded in an encounter with gunmen led by his protege, known only as Senor Oliviera, on Sunday afternoon. The incident had taken the ageing Don, who had just acquired total control over the city after allegedly eliminating two of his most dangerous rivals, by surprise. According to sources, the wounded Don is still in a very critical condition..."

FIN

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dog Days


It was in the last couple of months that the dogs in my city achieved infamy.
Apparently, a large number of the streeties had decided to gang up and attack a four-year-old human (the name was Manjunath, I think) in broad daylight.
The child was mauled to death and consequently, the city embarked on one of its biggest kill-the-mutt campaigns — exterminating hundreds of dogs, many of which were presumably innocent of anti-human crimes. Experts, who excelled in baiting the canines with fish hooks and strings, were brought from neighbouring Kerala to end the ‘menace’.
Dogs ruled newspaper headlines for the next few days.
Dominating the other columns in the papers were animal rights activists, who claimed that the administration’s reaction was a little too extreme. There were rallies, with activists taking innocent-looking strays into the streets — large signs proclaiming ‘PLEASE DON’T KILL US’ and ‘NOT ME, SIR! I DIDN’T KILL THE BABY’ hanging on their necks.
I am a dog-lover, so I supported the animal rights campaign. My line of thinking went: So, if a gang of men kill a baby - do we exterminate the human race in general? Hell, I even wanted to go and join those people a couple of times.
That was about a month ago, before that fateful night happened.

The Incident

Like I may have told you earlier, my job as a journalist requires me to keep very late hours. And I generally ride home between 2 and 3 am, when desolation and plastic ghosts rule the streets.
Now, I have faced dogs earlier, like the time when I was working with The New Indian Express ... but I would bet my life it wasn’t as bad as this.
When I, mounted on my trusty GLX, turned into that particular Indira Nagar street, a scary sight greeted me. The streetlights were shot, and in the darkness I could see thousands of eyes lining the roadside. Staring at me. Unblinking.
I turned my bike lights on, and saw them. Dogs of all kinds — brown, light tan, dappled, black hairy, hairless — slowly climbing onto the road to block my path. And they were there to the very end of the horizon, which touched the HAL II Stage road.
The mutts were starting to bare their fangs now... their tails wagging slowly, from side to side.
I did the only thing I could in the circumstances— lifted my feet as high as I could, revved up the engine and tried to reach 80 kmph in 2.5 seconds. About the same time as the dogs pounced upon me, gnashing their teeth.
I was scared. Scared shitless, for my life and body. The bike zoomed ahead like a rocketship-gone-insane but still, the hounds from hell were everywhere. And apart from the dogs, there were puddles on the road too — one wrong swerve and I could go down in a blaze of glory.
In those fifty terrible seconds, Manjunath was not just some name in a newspaper. Manjunath was me. Running scared for his life.
At seventy-five kilometres per hour, I heard a bump. I had hit one of my attackers on its rump, and in the dwindling distance I could see it painfully pulling itself across the street. Strangely, I felt no pity, none of my usual holier-than-thou sympathy ... no, this time I was happy with what had happened.
The bastards drew first blood. That mutt got what he deserved.
The dogs were still around. My speedometer needle was fast approaching 85, when — suddenly — another bike came up right in front of me.
Even in the glare of his headlight, I could see his frightened face. The situation seemed to be scaring him too. Don’t have a problem with that but, hey, I am fighting for my life here — GET OUTTA MY WAY !!
Even as I heard hungry jaws snapping around me, I had this terrible vision — of my bike crashing into the other, both of us flying in the air before hitting the ground with a thud ... and then, the idiot dogs chewing on our remains.
Instinctively, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes tight.
But nothing hit me, save for the wind. I looked around.... now there were no dogs on the scene, just a lonesome truck approaching from the distance. I had reached HAL road. Safe.
I could hear the canines in the distance, trying to get at the other guy ... who didn't seem to be enjoying himself either.
I don’t know if the doggie dearies realised it, but they had just lost a friend.

Post Script

They did it again last night, and the night before. Though I still don’t want them to be killed or castrated, ending up as dog food doesn't seem to be a very attractive option either.
Another day, another dilemma. As usual.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Growing Pains


“I find my life is a lot easier, the lower I keep everyone's expectations.”
- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)



Childhood ambitions, according to me, are grossly overrated. I mean, who, other than our Abdul “the goof-up” Kalam, can think of anything beyond the neighbourhood candy-store at the tender age of six?
Sadly, my parents subscribed to a different opinion from mine. And so did the thousands of irritating ‘uncles’ and ‘aunties’ who came visiting when I was a kid, making monkey-faces and pinching my cheeks while slobbering: “Yumminiyooopiyoom konchipooo... you loooook ccchooooo chhweeet. Whaaat do you wannt to be when you groooow up, waawaa?”
And I, irritated at being subjected to such humiliation, would mutter something akin to “Hoobliglumchun... yurrraaa.. hey! Leggo!”
Not that I wasn't old enough to make coherent noises back then; it was just that nobody could possibly be expected to make himself understood while having his cheeks punctured in such a heinous fashion. Not I, at least.
Anyways, this had to stop ... so, one fine day, I decided to become a doctor.
But if you thought it made things better, well... think again. It made my dad come up with a new excuse to make me study: “You have to study hard to become a doctor! Throw that comic away and get back to your science books!”
No, becoming a doctor was not my cuppa tea. Who wants to cut people open and mess around with their medulla oblongatas anyway?!
I was a big fan of Major James Bigglesworth back then, and so I decided to become him.
When I suggested this to my dad, he was quite impressed. “But, you know, pilots need to know mathematics... and so, I need to see an improved grade when I next get your report card.”
I got the weird feeling that this wasn’t going to work either. A monkey was better at junior trignometry than me. So I decided to bring my dreams down to earth and become a bus driver.
Only it didn’t impress the 'aunties' much. And even as they let go of my cheeks (which had become a curious strawberry-red by then) with a sullen sigh, my parents tried to change the subject by offering them more tea.
That night, daddy-o towered over me and said, “You better try to become something reasonable. Or you might find yourself in a bus sooner than you think.”
This was seriously scary. I had to come up with a new job to have in the future (how stupidly ridiculous!!) or leave the house with my dog and a knapsack. I had to come up with something... fast!
“I KNOW! I’ll become a journalist! Like Tintin! Yeah, really! I mean it!”
Miraculously, my dad seemed to like the idea. And he left me to myself for the next few days.

Growing Up With Dad

I never was any good in school. Homework was usually copied from a friend’s notebook five minutes before the morning prayer, and — most of the time — the idiot would have gotten all the answers wrong.
Exams? Don’t even ask... answer sheets painted in red would invariably find their way deep into the earth’s bowels just hours after they were distributed in class.
And the fact that my dad was the school principal did not help. No sir.
Let’s see, the only time my parents seemed marginally happy with me in school was when I once bit a teacher on the hand.
This was how it happened. The lady, one Mrs Ahluwalia, had found out I had once again forgot to put in my homework. So there, she stretched her hand, caught me by the ear (hard) and started screaming into it: “IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS,YOU WILL FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!”
Now, my ear was hurting something real bad. So, I did the only thing I could do in the circumstances — I grabbed her other hand, which was holding my face, and bit hard. By the time I was through, her hand seemed like it had been through a heavy-duty mangler.
She went hysterical. And seeing the way she was bawling, so did I. And the class watched spell-bound as Mrs Ahluwalia and I indulged in a grotesque wailing contest that could have put the Sirens to shame.
The commotion brought the other teachers, including my dad, by the horde. And Mrs Ahluwalia pointed a finger at me and screamed: “HE.... HE BIT ME WHEN I SAID HE WOULD FAIL!
Of course, she had to skip the part about pinching me on the ear. How can one dare admit physical assault on the principal’s son!?
Though I was treated the choices swipes of the grand ol’ cane that day, I am sure that my dad was secretly pleased that I had gone so far as to bite somebody at the very mention of ‘failure’.
I did not have the heart to tell him otherwise. Or show him my strawberry ear.

The Twelfth Night

By the time I reached my pre-degree, I had proved beyond doubt that I was destined to go into the mountains and live like a caveman.
“Let him do whatever he wants,” I could hear my parents telling each other on occasions, their voices shrouded in disappointment, “We have done all we can.”
Now, it’s not as if I didn’t sympathise .... but hey, some people just aren’t meant to become Microsoft founders — I can’t help that!
But I did not know how much I had lowered their expectations for me until the results of my HSSC examinations came out in 1998, my marks averaging just 2 per cent more than what was needed to pass.
All the way from the college, I wondered how I would tell this terrible news to my dad. And finally, when I found myself face to face with him, he roared: DID YOU GET THROUGH?
“I got 52 per cent,” I mumbled inaudibly.
“DID YOU PASS?!” he roared again.
This time I spoke a little louder, “I passed... I got 52 per cent...”
I didn’t get slapped, there was no blood-letting either. Instead, my loving father roared with happiness and said: “He passed! He managed to pass! See, I told you he would pass! This calls for a party!”
Somehow, this joyful reaction from him depressed me even further. And feeling like a total scum, I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep.

But, All’s Well That...

Now, nearly eight years later, I find myself on the newsdesk of a reputed newspaper, working as a journalist.
I ain’t no Tintin, and I ain’t got no dog that helps me capture Al Capone, but hey! I love my job... and my life’s shaping out quite well.


Thank you, O Fate!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Seen, The Unseen and the Don't-Wanna-See's

Ok, haven't been blogging much lately. Whatever's left of my life is undergoing some kinda radical change, and I've got a writer's block to boot.
But, can't let jimmythekid.blogspot.com die - right? So, here's something similar to what 3inOne had put on her blog... only, this one's for movies, not books.
I have pinched these from IMDB's top ten list of movies. The rules are mostly similar to the original thing.

1. Type "SAW" for movies you have seen.
2. Type "SAW... AND WOW!" for movies you have seen and liked very much.
3. Type "HAVEN'T" for movies you... well... haven't seen.
4. Type "YUKK!" for movies you saw but didn't like.
5. Type "WANNA" for movies you want to see.

So there!

The Godfather SAW AND WOW!
The Shawshank Redemption SAW AND WOW!
The Godfather: Part II SAW
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly SAW
Pulp Fiction SAW AND WOW
Casablanca SAW AND WOW
Schindler's List SAW
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King SAW
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back HAVEN'T
Shichinin no samurai WHAT?
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest SAW AND WOW
Star Wars HAVEN'T
Rear Window YUKK!
12 Angry Men SAW AND WOW!
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring SAW
Raiders of the Lost Ark SAW
The Usual Suspects SAW
Goodfellas WANNA
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb WANNA
Once Upon a Time in the West WANNA
Psycho SAW AND WOW!
Citizen Kane SAW
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers SAW
North by Northwest WANNA
Memento SAW AND WOW
The Silence of the Lambs SAW
Lawrence of Arabia SAW
Sunset Blvd. SAW
It's a Wonderful Life WHAT?
Fight Club SAW
Amélie WANNA
The Matrix SAW
American Beauty SAW AND WOW!
Vertigo SAW
Taxi Driver YUKK!
Apocalypse Now WANNA
Se7en SAW
Léon WANNA
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind YUKK!
Paths of Glory SAW AND WOW!
American History X SAW
To Kill a Mockingbird SAW
Chinatown WANNA
The Third Man WHAT?
Laberinto del fauno, El WHAT?
Untergang, Der WANNA
The Pianist SAW



Note: "YUKK" doesn't necessarily mean those movies were the worst I have ever seen. It just means they did not live up to my expectations.
Aside from that Eternal Sunshine crap, of course...

Friday, April 6, 2007

Journalist Immy and the horror of child-labour

Experience, they say, is the best teacher. And I agree, for the most part. But is it fair when you thrust your hand into the fire and somebody else gets to feel the pain?

It’s not. But then, life rarely is...

This story goes back to the time when I was still a journalism student in a small town called Kottayam. My school, the Manorama School of Communication (MASCOM), was the offshoot of one of the bigger newspapers in Kerala.
Well, I was still a rookie back then - with an attitude that was brash and a perspective that was all black ‘n’ white. And in my new-found avtar as a scribe, changing the world topped my list of priorities.
Every week, we were supposed to submit three story ideas to Mr Thomas Oommen, the dictator and supreme commander of MASCOM (I don’t say this in contempt. Mr Oommen is one of the most fascinating persons I have ever seen — and I intend to blog about him soon). If you didn’t have them, it was advisable that you go to him with padding down the ass of your pants.
On that particular day, I was walking down Kottayam, searching for anything to write about, when I saw a young kid with Oriental features walk down the road. This was not something you see everyday in a place as down-south as Kerala, so I ran after him to enquire.
He was just fourteen years old, and he had come down all the way from Assam to work in a neighbourhood rubber tanning plant.
Child labour, AHA!
He was real helpful. And happy that maybe, just maybe, he may feature in a newspaper article.
Over a glass of orange juice, I asked him if I could come over to his factory to check things out, and interview his friends as well. The boy (his name was Som, I think) agreed eagerly, and we fixed an appointment at his place the next day.

The next day

The factory was the dirtiest I had ever seen. Thick sludge, liberally contaminated with grease and chemicals, covered the floor as big rats scurried all over its walls.
And in the middle of the muck worked young Assamese kids — their faces covered with grime and dirt. But the way they were showing me the place, you would have thought it was some Japanese palace.
It was then that the supervisor, a five-foot Malayalee, saw me. “Who are you??” he almost screamed. And when I told him that I was from Manorama, he almost burst his top.“You are a journalist?! Not allowed in this factory,” he started yelling. The noise brought the factory manager around, and thankfully, he did not think that throwing me out would be the right thing to do at this juncture.
“Hi,” I said, “I am a journalism student from MASCOM... And I would like to ask you a few questions about this factory.”
The manager, a plump person with a plastic smile, said: “Sure... I know the place looks a little messy, but we were planning to clean it within a week. And get some new machines.”
I got straight to the point: “Aren’t the children working in this factory under-aged? Som is only fourteen.”
I saw the smile transform into an expression of disdain. He called the kid and asked him his age. A little over nineteen, Som said, a worried expression on his face. He was in for it now. For trusting someone from a newspaper. For acting stupid.
I had a bad feeling about this, so I left.

Black, White and Grey

It was on the third day, while I was sitting and typing out my story, that I received the phone call. It was Som.
“They are going to fire me and everyone else under 18 years,” he said, his voice threatening to break with emotion, “I don’t know what to do now. I have two sisters and my dad can’t work... who will support my family now?”
Never in my life had I felt so guilty. I had cost a family its only bread-winner, all for a stupid story and some misplaced views.
“Could you get me a job,” he asked, “In your newspaper office as chowkidar, maybe?”
I couldn’t, to say the least. I was not even an employee and, in any case, a newspaper cannot afford to take a minor on its rolls. Bad publicity.
That evening, I went over to a senior reporter I knew in Manorama and asked him if he could try and dissuade the factory owner from firing them. He said he would try.
Life went on.

A month later...

A few months later, I was reminded of Som while I was attending a guest lecture at MASCOM. The speaker, a venerable old socialist, was speaking on child labour.
“We just can’t go out and get children removed from their jobs,” he was saying, “Please don’t assume that children like scrubbing dirty utensils when they should be out playing... they do so because of certain compulsions. What would you rather see — a child working out there, or starving out there?”
I could understand what he was saying. Abolishing child labour through force would be like throwing beggars into jail to end beggary.
After the lecture, I called the reporter and asked about Som. Apparently, he had spoken to the factory manager, who just kept giggling and saying: “Okay, Okay..”
I did not have any number to contact Som on and he certainly did not deserve another painful visit from the dumb-ass journalist from Manorama.
So, that was that. The blacks and whites had made way for the greys, and (probably) I had matured at the cost of somebody else's life.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble

Earthquakes are real bad things, take my word for it. Especially if they mean business.
My childhood perception of earthquakes was a little different from the real truth, though. More than the shaking and crumbling, I imagined the ground splitting into two and gobbling up everything in sight. At least, that's what my early geography books made me believe.
My books also taught me that in Japan, where earthquakes are as frequent as evening showers, people built their houses from paper. This, I felt, may create hilarious domestic conversations... like this one:

Dad: Kwung-Choo... my son, get me a peice of paper, please. I gotta jot down this phone number.

Kwung-Chuu: In a minute, dad ... (and, a minute and several ripping sounds later) Here, will this door do?

Dad (very angry): Son! This is the third door you have wrecked this month! The next one's going to come from your NOTEBOOK!

No, but seriously ... though I must admit that paper walls crashing on you during an earthquake may not hurt half as much as concrete ones, what do they do if the place catches fire? As far as I can imagine, Kwung-Chuu's proud castle will be lighting up the place like a Japanese lamp.
Or, what would he do if the Big Bad Wolf decides to come and huff 'n' puff outside his door?
Now, I know that I have been making these conclusions without doing adequate research. For all I know, Mr Chuu must have treated his walls with some kind of anti-fire solution .... and maybe he kept a cannon behind his paper door to drive away the wolves.
Well, in any case, this post ain't about Kwung-Chuu or his paper mansion. It's about earthquakes. About the two quakes I had the good fortune to experience in the last 28 years of my life.
Why do I say good fortune? There are reasons...

Strike 1

The first one struck when I was residing in Gadchandur, about thirty kilometres from the railway track I had blogged about two posts ago. As fate would have it, I was in the bathroom - taking a shower even as I bathroom-sang a certain Mithun Chakraborty number.
At first, I didn't notice it - it was more like a slight vibration creeping up the walls, the sort you experience when you're on a bridge and a tanker's passing by. But then, the vibration started getting louder - until I could literally see the walls around me shake in their shoes.
Even as I heard my folks yell in alarm from the outside, I stood on the crossroads of an awful dilemma. The question was: Do I run outside stark naked and save my life, or do I stay in here and save my modesty.
And as I stood there, debating the issue to myself, the walls stopped shuddering and the floor under my feet seemed to go back to sleep. And that's how I managed to retain both my life and my modesty.
Indecision may have cost Hamlet a lot, but for me it seemed to have brought nothing but good luck.

Strike 2

My second encounter with the quake-guy happened when I was doing my second year (English Literature) in MCC.
It was eight-thirty in the evening and I was sitting in my room, reading a book. Suddenly the walls, the earth and everything around me started shaking ... and I jumped up with a full-fledged war-cry on my lips.
Everyone around me was running for the stairs. And even as I tried to join the great majority and reach for safety, I slipped on a pool of water on the floor and landed on the floor with a resounding SPLAT.
When I looked up, the quake had stopped and everyone was standing around me, giggling.

But the real action was happening at that moment in our hostel chapel, where a certain firebrand pastor was delivering his evening sermon.
Now, the Bible has a line that goes something like this: "Though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea, I shall stand my ground - because the Lord our God is with me. (Psa 46:1-3)"
According to reliable sources, the pastor was explaining the meaning of these very words when the earthquake started. And even as the small congregation of students watched the walls around them tremble, our man picked the Holy Book and sprinted out of the building.
Maybe the Lord was trying to make a point there.
Ol' Mac was so busy conversing with somebody in a phonebooth at the MCC maingate, that he never even noticed the quake come and go by. I can't remember if Shain was around, then.

P.S: I must admit that the god of earthquakes has been quite merciful to me until now. But the next time he attacks, I hope he doesn't catch me with my pants down...

(Dinosaur sketch: Courtesy www.cartoonstock.com)

Thursday, March 29, 2007

What's the name, again?

High up, on a prominent branch of my family tree, used to live a balding uncle called Baby.
Neither was he two years old, nor did he possess any cozy, cuddly features of your average toddler ... in fact, he was more of an aged booze-gulching army veteran than anything else.
Now, the next question would most-probably be - why did everybody call him that? It's a short but sad story.
According to informed sources, the uncle was a hot favourite in family circles during his infancy. Whenever he wore his cute pink diapers and came tottering around - bawling for his usual share of milk, the elders would pinch his cheeks and call him "babeeeeee" and "bayboooo" in ridiculous tones.
And, as luck would have it, the name stuck. Years after my uncle had given up his milk bottle for a McDowells one and the pink diapers had given way to military fatigues, everybody still called him Baby. And for us nephews, it was Baby uncle.
Hell, I can't even recall his Christian name.
My homeland, Kerala, churns out thousands of such horror stories every moment of the day. Everyday, as babies are born all over that small piece of Malluland, they are mercilessly stamped with names like Laiju, Tijo, Baiju, Gaiju, Shoju...
I don't know if you can even begin to realise the gravity of the situation. Methinks there should be a law against this.

The animal connection

Okay, I'll quote another example to prove my point - right from the innards of my home in Mallappally.
We got this black daschund from an uncle. And my dad named him "Kitty".
Now, though I admit that a daschund looks more reptilian than canine, I think that naming it after a cat would amount to insulting doghood as a whole.
So, after repriminding my indignant dad, I tried to make a last ditch effort to rechristian him "Blackie". But it was a lost cause; the four-legged idiot just wouldn't let go of his feline tag.

The Fauxest of pas'

Similarly, I was introduced to a new aunt last year at a family gathering, when I went to visit my relatives in Chennai.
"Hi Jimmy... Meet her - she's Sissy."
I blushed. Then shook my head docilely and muttered: "Naah, you don't mean it... She's not - I'm sure."
The others around me stared at me with great bug eyes. "What do you mean, she's not?"
They were offended with me for some reason. So, I did what I had to and conceded meekly: " Sure, if you insist... anything you say."
The truth dawned upon me nearly an hour later, when I was standing at the juice stall and downing a cool glass of lemonade. Her name was Sissy - not she. And, ohmigosh... how silly of me! Women can't be sissies!
But the damage was already done. For all I know, the aunt must have gone and checked her name out in dictionary.com. Never heard from her again; I took great pains to ensure that.

Birds too?

Recently, I had the opportunity to work alongside a lady who happened to share her name with a certain kind of songbird.
Now, that was quite an experience, considering that I could actually walk up to her whenever I wanted, and without any fear of bodily harm, inform her: "Hey, you are Cuckoo!"
----------------
Note: The author is permitted to speak on this sensitive subject, particularly because he knows the hardships of having to go through life with a doggie name..

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Lookin' back

Just a photo of ours from a few years ago, posing atop the Heber Chapel. There's Thangchin Mawi (the Sachristian), Mathew Alexander (a.k.a. Bones) and Roji (who is now conspiring to become a priest). I'm the one in the Lee T-shirt and the big guy in shorts is ol' Mac, when he was still in possession of some hair. Sandwiched between us (in the shadows) is P Issac, a.k.a Bhatinda.

The year was 1999. I was leaner then.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

On The Wrong Track

Watched Stand By Me yesterday, with a bottle of golden ale by my side.
Now, though I would swear that I liked The Body (the Stephen King novella, on which the movie was based) much better than Stand By Me, there was one particular scene that struck me like a ten-ton battering ram.
Because it brought about a deja vu-like feeling. Or maybe it was more than just that, because, in my case, it was real.
This was the scene. Our four under-teen heroes are on the wrong end of a railway bridge, deep in the forest of who-knows-where. There’s nobody around but them, and the idea is to cross the bridge fast - before the next train comes around. Which would mean a grisly end. On the tracks or in the river under it.
Now, I wouldn’t want to tell you what happened next. It is a personal favourite (second only to The Shawshank Redemption - also by King) and I don't have the heart to do a dirty spoiler.
What follows is my story. About the time when a friend and I crossed a railway bridge. And a train almost ran us over.

I was doing my pre-degree in the Guru Nanak College of Science, Ballarpur. It was a small ramshackle of an educational institution where students who didn’t give a damn were taught by teachers who didn’t give a damn either. Most of the working days were single-hour ones, after which the students would take to what they do best - play cricket on scorched cotton fields or sit around appreciating the finer points of the opposite sex.
Behind the college was a railway track that trailed off into the forests of Rajura. Which was, simply said, the best thing about the place. Every day after college, Dinesh and I would walk down this track to the Ballarpur railway station — from where we could catch a private bus to our industrial township.
The beauty of these walks was an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There would be nobody around, save for the two of us, the trees, the birds and a long railway track stretching into the horizon. And even if we did see another human being, he/she would just be another small speck doing something vague in a great, vague distance.
Every now and then, trains would go by — and we would shut our ears while the world around us rocked to romantically rhythmic thuds. It was beautiful.
Well, on that particular day, we found ourselves free for the entire afternoon. And the bus was due only at seven-fifteen in the evening.
Dinesh turned to me and said: “Why don’t we go the other way today? We can follow the track till Rajura railway station and catch the bus from there...”
I was not so sure. For one thing, Rajura station was quite a long way off ... and, for another, we had never been into the woods. But my friend was more than excited about this, and he had already decided for the both of us.
So, we started off in the opposite direction — the railway track serving as our guide.
This route was more wooded than our usual one, and it was starting to get darker and, in many ways, scarier. With every step we took, the chirping and hooting of birds seemed to get increasingly louder and just when it seemed to touch an awesome crescendo, Dinesh tripped over a rock and fell.
Almost immediately, there was a deafening fluttering of wings and we stared dumbstruck as thousands of flying rodents erupted from the trees overhead, flapping their giant wings and screeching loudly as they swooped on us.
We had seen bats before, but never in a gang as big as this. And even minutes after they had left, we were still gasping with fear.
Meanwhile, the birds had gone silent. And though we were now scared out of our wits, the journey to the other end of the railway track continued.
Two hours into the jungle trip, we were still trudging along obstinately. Now that we had come so far, there was no going back.
“Look here...” Dinesh called out.
I looked down. Lying on the railway track was a green-and-yellow snake, lifeless because it had been cut into two by a passing train. The creature’s mouth was still open and its forked tongue was lying motionless on its side. A living creature killed by man.
However, it was fear, rather than pity, that troubled us back then. The forests were crawling with venomous reptiles and if anyone of us were to get bitten, medical help would be an eternity away. The initial excitement had worn thin; now we just wanted the ordeal to end.
Okay, I did not know Murphy back then — but I did know a little about his laws. And when I saw the railway bridge up front, I realised that the ol’ master of misfortune was up to his nasty tricks again.
It was a long one, stretching over the Wainganga river — which separates Rajura and Ballarpur. Unlike the modern bridges that have railings on both sides, this one was open — completely exposed to the elements. On both sides was a steep drop... stumble once and find for ever a watery grave.
“No way!” I said, “If a train comes along while we are on the track, there’s nothing that can save us.”
However, Dinesh pointed out that there was no other way out. We couldn’t possibly walk back to the college; it would take three hours, and our bus would have left by then. “Besides, there are these platforms on the side of the bridge,” he said, “We could always climb onto them if a train’s coming.”
Indeed, there were a few small steel platforms — meant for railway workers who come and check the tracks occasionally. Flimsy ones... but platforms, nonetheless.
Carefully, we began our journey across the bridge. Though we tried to walk across as fast as we could, we couldn’t afford to be rash... lest we trip and fall. Under us, dirty-green waters rippled — as if in evil anticipation. And every now and then, we would “hear” the sound of a train whistle, only to realise that it was just our imagination running riot.
Admittedly, Dinesh was the more courageous of the two. Even as I stumbled along — hoping to make it across in time — I could hear the dude humming to himself with hands outstretched, like that Winslet woman in Titanic.
That was when it started.There was no warning whistle, and certainly no noise of thudding wheels. Just a vague sound of vibration — running like electricity through the rails.
TRAIN’S COMING!!” I yelled to Dinesh, who was walking ahead. He couldn’t hear me; the wind was carrying our voices around, I think.
WHAT??” he yelled back.
I did not have to answer. The sound was more evident now.... the sound of doom, riding on steam-powered wheels to run us down. And even as the thudding of iron wheels drew closer with each speeding moment, we broke into a run for the nearest platform.
Which wasn’t there. Apparently, it had broken off and collapsed into the river a long time ago.
Cursing a then-unknown Murphy, we looked back.
The engine of a goods train was climbing onto the bridge from the other side. And even as deafening noises filled the air, we raced for the next platform.
It wasn’t that close a shave, actually. We managed to get to safety about twenty seconds before the train raced by, with an enraged engine-driver shaking his fist at us. But it was scary all the same, because this wasn’t some Bond movie... this one was for real.
Then we started laughing like madmen, the way you do after having smoked a rolled-up stick of dry hemp. Laughed, laughed, laughed, laughed ... and finally, when we could laugh no more, we sat down heavily on the flimsy platform. It heaved, as if it wanted to break.
But we couldn’t care less. The worst was over.
Later, we got off the platform, crossed the bridge and caught our bus home. And as we went about our everday lives, the incident became just another memory from the days gone by.
About nine years later, it has taken a movie called Stand By Me to bring it all back — draped in autumnal orange and gold. And, by Golly! I would sure like to watch it again!
(PS: The photo is just something I pinched from the Net. The real bridge was longer and the water was deeper and dirtier.)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Fulfilled Wish


He was limping on the beach one day,
Waves caressing his only foot, then slowly drawing away,
The story of my life,” he thought with unhappy mirth,
The way things have been, from the day of my birth.”

Sure... good days would come, only to back away,
Money, love, happiness and joy - just a passing phase,
Then came the war, which cost him an arm and leg,
But got him a medal - cold comfort in bed.

In the distance, he saw a boat - slowly bobbing away,
Getting smaller, until to the horizon it became a prey,
O mighty one, take me too,” he looked up and said,
Then stumbled, sobbing as he collapsed on the slushy sand bed.

Suddenly, as if in response, the sea-waters grew,
Reached for the morning sky, becoming a huge wall of blue,
Crashed, to the accompaniment of frightened shrieks,
And then left, leaving the world black - and in complete peace.

He was limping on the beach one day,
When the tsunami came and took his life away...

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Read, The Unread & The Don't-Wanna-Reads

Ok. Now, let me start by saying that as I'm not a very well-read person, this list is not going to bring me half as much pride as it is going to cause me embarrassment.
If you actually have the patience to go through the list of hundred, you are most likely to notice that the “READ” mark is put on more Harry Potters than Kite Runners. Also, you might notice more “SAW” tags than “READ” ones because I belong to that stray school of thought which believes that a movie should be watched before its book (on which the flick is originally based on) is read.
And the few classics, which I did happen to go through, were forced into me at gunpoint, while I was doing my literature in college.
I bow my head in shame.
But, in keeping with this great tradition of our particular blog community, I have shamelessly reproduced the list with a few minor changes ... hope you guys don’t find it completely offending. Ga ha!

Type "READ" beside the ones you've read.
Type "WANT TO" beside the ones you'd like to read.
Leave blank the ones that you aren't interested in.
Type "AGAIN AND AGAIN" beside the ones you could read again and again.
"TRIED" for those books that you've tried to read...again and again.
For those books you haven't heard of "??"
"SAW IT" For those books you shamelessly watched the movie of instead
"YUKK" for those books you ploughed through and wish you hadn't.
"READ & SAW!" For those books which you read and then had to see (or vice versa)

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) SAW IT
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) READ
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) READ, WATCHED
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) WATCHED
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) READ & SAW
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) Again and Again READ & SAW
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers Again and Again READ & SAW
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery) ??
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon) ??
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry) ??
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) READ & SAW
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown) READ
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix READ
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) ??
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) WANT TO
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone READ AND SAW
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald) ??
18. The Stand (Stephen King) - YUKK
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban READ AND SAW
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) TRIED
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien) READ
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger) READ
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott) WANT TO
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) ??
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) AGAIN AND AGAIN (Movie-YUKK)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis) READ
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck) ??
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom) ??
31. Dune (Frank Herbert) ??
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) READ
34. 1984 (Orwell) READ
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley) ??
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) ??
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay) ??
38. I Know This Much is True(Wally Lamb) ??
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant) ??
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) (NOT BEN JONSON'S PLAY? THEN NO...)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel) ??
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella) ??
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) ??
45. Bible (...) READ, SAW
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) READ
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) READ
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt) SAW
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) WANT TO
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb) ??
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver) ??
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) READ
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) ??
54. Great Expectations (Dickens) READ
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) READ
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence) ??
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) READ
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough) ??
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood) ??
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger) ??
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) WANT TO
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand) READ, AGAIN AND AGAIN
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy) READ
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) SAW (But Psceeeechhh!)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis) ??
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) WANT TO
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)??
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) READ
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) SAW
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) ??
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) SAW
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell) ??
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) SAW
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett) ??
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay) ??
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)??
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving) ??
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence) ??
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)??
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley) ??
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) READ
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier) ??
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind) ??
85. Emma (Jane Austen) READ (In college)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams) ??
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields) ??
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago) ??
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer) READ
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje) ??
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding) READ, SAW
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck) WANT TO
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum) READ, SAW
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) ??
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)??
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford) ??
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield) ??
100. Ulysses (James Joyce) (FEW CHAPTERS HERE 'N' THERE)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Colourful Moods

Do you have those moments when life feels like an Ingmar Bergman movie; when even pushing a foot forward takes near-herculean effort.
I do. And I hate them.
During those trying times, which generally occur the morning after drowning myself in an Royal Challenge bottle or the night before a test that I'm gonna flunk, I notice things that I would never do otherwise.
The ant crawling up the wall - making krrch-krrch sounds that only my heightened senses can catch; the ceiling fan wobbling unsteadily over my head; the deafening drip drip of water escaping a leaky faucet in the kitchen; the salesman out there, selling something that sounds very much like MUCHIKREE, MUCHIKREE; the incessant tick-tock of the glimmering table-clock; and shadows creeping up the wall in vain attempts to find a place they can retire to.
I wouldn't refer to these moments as blue ones. Blue is a beautiful colour.
I would call them brown-with-a-tinge-of-ugly-green moments. Because, unlike the greater poets, I don't burst into verse everytime I am down. When I have these moments, my system shuts down completely, an incurable writer's block takes over and I become sensationless - save for that horrible gnawing at my soul. And even when I am spoken to, sources say that the best I can manage is a sound very similar to errrmmm, duh!
Could you believe it, the brown-with-a-tinge-of-ugly-green moments overshadow even the scariest Nightmare-on-what-could-possibly-be-Elm-Street ones. And, for one thing, the Elm-Street moments are exciting, not depressing.
Let me tell you about them. Imagine me walking down a lonely street, with nobody around. A full moon's out and bats whirl around in glee. And yet, I walk around with a tune in my head and feet that go hoppity-hop, skippety-skip. Everything's pink - everything's going my way - until I think I see a shadowy figure following me. "Oooh, Now didn't his top hat look like Freddy Krueger's? Is it him with his fancy fangs?"
Now, deep down, I know that its just my imagination. So I slow down to check if the guy is real... "Nobody there... just like I thought."
But the Elm-Street moment cannot be shrugged off that easily. Even as a shiver runs up my spine, I think, "Hey, he was there just a minute ago... Krueger's disappeared. Just like he does in those movies."
Suddenly I can't take it anymore, and so I break into a run. Run all the way home.
From then on, it's Evil Dead, Exorcist and Omen all along. I jump into the shower only to be reminded of the blonde lady in Psycho. I tremble my way through, and not just because of the cold water. Finally, a relieved me comes out of the bath and leaps into bed. Only to be reminded of that scary scene in Halloween when the bed opens up to swallow the one on it. And even as I mutter the Lord's prayer and surround myself with Bibles and crucifixes, monsters under my bed gnash their teeth non-stop till daybreak.
At the stroke of seven, I stumble off the bed bleary-eyed to start my day - which promises to be filled with yet more brown-with-a-tinge-of-ugly-green moments. It's a vicious cycle, indeed.
But it's the orange moments that I like best. They are nice and fulfilling. During orange moments, I feel like THE dude... like I am the king of the world. I feel like I can do anything I want to.
But orange moments are also expensive. You need at least four pegs on the rocks to bring them about. And they, by the next morning, darken deeply to become brown-with-a-tinge-of-ugly-green moments (or a splitting headache) too. GAH!
P.S. I don't have red moments often. Abhor violence.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

"I see them..."

Do you believe in ghosts?
I do. Because I am sure I have seen a couple since I was a kid. Or at least, I think so.
And as they don't have fangs or bloody nails (unlike the prettier ones that haunt your conventional B-grade movie), I am sure there must have been some more that I did not notice in the hustle-bustle of humanity.
Now, before the medics strap me up and throw me into a padded cell, I would like to concede that maybe - just maybe - I could have been wrong. But, still, I shudder to think of those times because - in all fairness - I could have been right, also.

My first encounter with the supernatural occurred when I was a kid, and asleep in bed with my parents by my side. There was these noises coming from the living room, which were not letting me sleep. The drip, drip, drip, drip of water trickling into the hall wash basin.
I got up. There was moonlight streaming in from the window overhead, and so I could see everything around. My dad was sleeping, snoring slightly.
Quietly, I stepped on to the cold floor. And as I tip-toed my way to the living room, the drip drip sound seemed to get louder and louder. Louder and louder.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw there.
Somebody was sitting on the sofa, reading a newspaper. In the dark.
I could not believe it, so I moved closer - expecting the apparition to transform itself into a bundle of clothes or a piece of paper flapping in the wind. But no, I was only getting closer to a person, some weird person who could read newspapers in the dark.
Fear wouldn't let me breathe. And even as I felt some kind of uncomfortable, warm sensation running down my heart into my stomach, the ghost lowered the paper to reveal a face engulfed in darkness.
I retreated back to the bedroom, too scared to wake anyone up. And there I lay with my face buried in a pillow, gasping, trembling - until sleep came and transported me to a sunny tomorrow morning.

The next day, under the glare of the hot Sunday sun, the sofa sat innocently bare. And nobody believed my story, of course...

The second incident occurred when I was in class nine, and sitting on my doorstep preparing for a geography examination. I always preferred to study sitting outside my house because, this way, I could exchange hellos and goodbyes with passersby and have fun getting distracted.
My parents took quite some time catching up with my ploy, but then - I was quite a coot back then.
Anyway, there's this guy I would see at four pm, almost every other day - Anurag Tiwari. And he would be skipping and hopping down the road to fetch milk from the nearby store, generally humming a tune to himself. He was doing the same on that day, too.
I glanced at him through the corner of my eye, just barely lifting a hand to show that I have acknowledged his presence. Anurag smiled, then continued on his way down the road until he became just another speck on the horizon.
I was still engrossed in my lesson when my cousin, Ann, came along. "So, who all did you get to meet today?" she winked knowingly.
"Oh, nobody," I answered absently, "Just Anurag. Maybe it's too hot for the others to be out..."
Silence, chilling silence, met my words. And when I looked up, Ann was looking at me through the widest eyes - her jaw nearly touching the ground. And even as my own throat ran dry, I realised what had happened.
Anurag Tiwari had drowned to death in a nearby reservoir just a week ago. The town police were still investigating into the matter.
Which means I could have been mistaken. Or not.
Mom, as expected, did not believe me. Instead, she accused me of falling asleep during my study hour.

My third brush with the fantastic was the scariest. It happened in my hostel room, during the fag end of my final year in the Madras Christian College.
It was a hot Sunday afternoon and I was sprawled on my bed. The idea was to just lie there without moving a finger. The idea was to achieve complete relaxation.
The door was open, and it was letting in a hot, humid breeze.
I never even realised when the man came in. He was medium-built, a hint of a mustache on his face. I cannot remember what he was wearing, but I'm betting it was some kind of a sweatshirt. The weird thing was, I did not even know who he was - but the man was looking into my table drawer.
I tried to get up and ask what he wanted, but I couldn't. It was as if my body did not want to respond to my brain. And even as I remained in that helpless position, weird , loud noises started filling my head - threatening to wipe out the very whisper of sanity in it.
The noises rose and rose until they reached the highest crescendo, my skull feeling like it needed to burst.
And then, suddenly, everything stopped.
I opened my eyes to see Kelly, my friend and neighbour from Room 156, strolling into the room with a bathroom mug. "Hey, why you sweating, da?!" he asked jovially.
I asked him if he had seen anybody leaving or entering my room, and he replied: "No... I was there drying clothes on the bridge for about ten minutes now, and I did not see anybody entering or leaving your room... Why?"
For ten minutes, I tried recounting my experience to Kelly - but it seemed quite a hard thing to do. So I left it at that.
Maybe the man was a man. Maybe he was the ghost that occupies Heber's haunted room (Room 134? Can't remember) . Or maybe he was just a bad dream.
Who knows?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

What... me, chicken?!

I’m not yellow, just non-violent — or so I would like myself to believe.
Like the other day, when my bike accidentally scraped against a run-down Maruti car at the MG Road junction. The mistake was as much the car driver's as it was mine but then, he had the advantage of language. So, as he let loose a barrage of abuses in Kannada, I just stood there behind blinking eyes and wondered Oh shit, what a mess...
Sure, calling his mother a few names in English would have been in order right then, but... well... that's my problem - I think a lot. Especially before a fight.
Like back then, while the guy was hollering in a tongue as alien as the Martian Manhunter, I was busy thinking if resistance would be worth waking up with a black eye the next morning. And by the time the wheels in my head had stopped grinding, the dude was already walking back to his car with a wind of accomplishment about him.
There on the street, amid thousands of strangers, I emerged the loser. Or, upon looking at things from a different perspective, the more sensible of the two.
You may think it's weird, but I find squabbling very difficult - especially if my opponent is talking a different language. I hate languages I don't understand (you must have gathered just as much from my earlier post) and many a time it has landed me in uncomfortable situations - and once in the railway clink.
But then, there is a silver lining to this cloud also. Because if there’s a man who’s tearing through his gullet to get at me, I can remain grinning like a plum-faced baboon without knowing that he has already cursed all the members on my family tree, and is currently giving unpleasant names to my unborn children.
Come to think of it, even my schooldays were completely lacking in brawls and love affairs, probably because I was the principal’s son. While the reason for people not choosing to fight with me is quite evident, I think the girls kept away from me because they (quite obviously) dreaded the possibility of having their rule-by-the-rod headmaster as a prospective father-in-law. And so, there it was — a childhood completely lacking in love as well as war.
But tell you what... I am quite capable of intelligent conversation. But that is just about the last thing anybody wants to do while preparing to box the other’s ears in. Which is probably why I manage just a little beyond ‘Duh!’ in such a situation, whether I am in the right or wrong. Very much like a Calvin-Moe situation.
Well, whatever. I bet late Mr MK Gandhi is proud of me. Even though I prefer denim cottons to loin cloth.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

On war, tongues and the Tour de Babel

Found myself with the Bible the other day. Which does not happen very often, I must admit with considerable guilt. Anyway, I read about the Noah affair — when Yahweh realised that he had made a mistake in creating man and sent 40 days and 40 nights of torrential rain, destroying all that lived or moved on Earth. Except for the ones in the Ark, of course.
Then I moved on to the Tower of Babel chapter, which had humankind attempting to build a tower that would touch the sky and protect it from the Great One, the next time he got into a destructive mood. And what did He do to stop them?
Fire? Acid? Big chunks of hail?
Naah, nothing so crude. Yahweh just gave them different tongues, and suddenly they were mouthing stuff that nobody could understand. The great army that set out to build the tower was reduced to becoming smaller legions that babbled nonsense, which others could not understand. And the project was doomed.
And so was man.
Many believe that Yahweh did this just to stop them from building the tower. But, according to me, it was to make humankind destroy itself — divide it into nations that spend all their energies in defending their kind, which are usually bound by language and skin. And apparently, Yahweh seems to be succeeding.
Now, one thing I’ll never understand is — why do we have to go all hoop-la over language? It was just meant to let you communicate with another (just like religion was meant to make sure you don’t go murder your neighbour), and that’s that. Why does anybody have to take so much pride in it, then go fetch a sickle to endanger your life as well as someone else’s? Simple logic, that.
And then there’s war. “It’s a beautiful thing,” they will make you believe ... “Die for your country. It’s a man’s life.” Crap.
How can murdering another person — even if it’s with the consent of the government — ever make you a better human being? Do you really think that having somebody’s blood on your hands is going to help the screaming little orphan that’s wandering down a dirty alley in your remote hometown? And do you think the enemy is fighting for a cause any less ‘nobler’ than yours?
No, the enemy has very similar reasons for fighting against you. And the orphan’s screaming because it has had to forfeit its lunch for the machine-gun in your hands.
But then, you are just a part of the great design; and it’s upto you to help humankind destroy itself...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The end?


She didn’t have no money,
No home to call her own,
No loved one to speak to,
On the other end of the phone.

But she had dreams... yeah,
Dreams that told her why,
Her life was too great to waste,
On tears and dried rye.

That’s the place to go,
The greenest there’s to be,
Rivers of milk n’ honey,
Flowing into a great blue sea.

So she packed her bags one day,
Figuratively, (of course) — coz she had none,
Then walked, a step at a time,
Slowly into the setting sun.

This is her story; not mine,
On what happened next I have but a worm’s clue,
Maybe she died, maybe she lived,
Maybe she became Mrs Gates - oh, wish I knew...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Chris Tucker must die (Or be gagged, at least)

Watched Rush Hour because they were showing it on some local TV channel. And, quite understandably, arrived at this sordid conclusion...

Monday, January 8, 2007

One last drink, and that’s it...

Everything must pass, and that includes the good ol’ days.
It was the summer of 2003, and I was sitting on the bridge connecting C and D block contemplating about the days gone by.
The sun, an unusual brilliant red, was slowly setting behind a silhouetted Heber chapel. And except for the cries of a few kites winging their way across the moody sky, everything was silent. Nostalgically silent.
Yes, I spent my last real evening in Heber alone. Because sometimes you need to be by yourself and talk to the wind.
In the distance — in the centre of the lawn — I could see the famous natural pond. Its water was still, obviously because nobody had been ducked for sometime in the near past.
Five years had passed since I was first cast into that stony pit full of man-made urea... because I did not know which department a certain senior belonged to. I had cried then — cried in shame — and vowed that one day I would be avenged. But that changed, with time.
The pond became a loving symbol of the hall, where I spent almost 1,553 days and enjoyed every moment of it. What’s more, at the end of it, I found myself justifying the act of ‘ducking’ before a college lecturer who could not understand why an ‘educated’ kid like me would approve of an act as barbaric as throwing someone into a pond full of pee.
But then, I had been there, done that ... and I knew that the view was a lot different from the inside.
The first year was spent in fear — the kind of fear you would like to savour, let tingle down your spine and hope that it doesn’t get over all too quickly. The fear that some zombie senior may hear you tip-toeing down the hallway in the dead of the night and decide that its time he let somebody have the infamous ‘upside-down’ (In this form of torture, they hang you headfirst from the rooftop — giving you a Man-Bat view of the world). The fear that the worm they have sent creeping down your shirt may actually have poison pinchers. The fear that you may, at any moment, have to go underwater just because some senior wants to see you play blue whale.
Back then, I hated every one of these moments. But, forgive me, I was just a boy then — too juvenile to know that I was having the time of my life.
And that day of June 2003 hailed the end of my stay in paradise. The beautiful friendships, the long walks to the maingate for a Muthappa tea, the nights of singing-along to the strains of a strumming guitar, the drunken brawls over that last drop of Old Monk, the cussing and screaming and head-banging while Pentagon played Ugly Kid Joe, the wall-scaling antics after a late night in the city — everything.
From the next day on, my life was going to be a whole new one. Maybe I would get a new job, maybe I would study further ... but whatever happened next, I knew it would never match the one I had in Heber.
“Hey! How about coming out for a tea?!” I looked up, pulled rudely out of my thoughts.
It was Fela, wearing his favourite orange T-shirt. I lifted myself up and we slowly walked to the maingate — and then to Star Wines — where we boozed ourselves senseless.
It was dark, and the crickets were having one hell of a time.